A new leaf….

I’ve been told by those I trust (and there’s not very many of you), that perhaps I’ve been a little bitter or polemic in my posts thus far. The suggestion has been made that the election is over, we all know that the current administration is a bunch of bozos, and that I should move on to things I know something about. The domestic arts being the implied topic.

So, in the interest of that, my dear readers, I’ve decided to try something new. An on-line Thanatopsis Society, as it were. I shall endeavor to publish something every business day, but don’t hold me to that: The muse does not always court, after all.

So onto our first, and very timely topic: Thanksgiving

No discussion of Thanksgiving can be complete without discussing the menu. This is the most traditional of holidays, so of course we must expect to abide by these traditions.

We start with the turkey. No one really likes turkey, but that is beside the point. We eat turkey on Thanksgiving because That Is The Way Things Are Done. But if you have to make a turkey, you should make a good one.

The good news is that this is really quite easy to do, as long as you are not a dope about it.

Start with a fresh turkey. Organic if possible. Do not buy one of those simple-minded turkeys that are “self-basting” or have built-in thermometers or something gimmicky like that. Those are for tramps and idiots. A fresh organic turkey is not that much more expensive, and it will taste better.

Secondly, Brine your turkey: That sounds kind of dirty, but it’s not. All brining is soaking your turkey in a salt-water mixture for 8-24 hours. Use Kosher salt, it will taste better. Once you have brined it, rinse it out well (the brining brings out a lot of the gunk) and truss the bird up well.

Prepare your turkey in whatever method you wish, but since you have already brined it, omit any salt that’s in the recipe, and don’t stuff it. Just put your stuffing (or, in this case, dressing) in a casserole and bake it with the turkey for the last 45 minutes. Among it’s other charms, This is a much less vulgar procedure than having to actually stuff a turkey.

While the turkey is cooking, make the mash potatoes. PEEL the potatoes (leaving the skins on is for the lazy and artsy) and use a ricer to smash the potatoes after they are cooked. There must be no lumps.

As far as vegetables go, you need two kinds, and you should just use frozen. No use killing yourself over this thing.

Desserts? Frozen also. Or coerce a guest to bake a damn pie and bring it with them.

Once the turkey is done, put is on a platter and let it “rest” (a very strange term considering it’s dead) and make the gravy. I am afflicted with the Langdon curse, and as such I cannot make gravy, so I open a can.

Once this is done, you are ready to serve: Run a comb through your hair, take off your apron, plug in the coffee pot, and summon your guests to the table. Serve the best wine first and the cheap wine later, and keep it flowing – as long as there is sufficient booze, your guests will have a good time.

Next Installment: Setting the Table