I Hate My Commute
For some unknown reason having to do with my fatness, I have been driving to work lately. I don't know why. I hate driving in Seattle. It sucks, sucks, sucks, especially through "little Saigon" which is the cutesy name for the hellhole of nail parlors, beauty salons, cell phone stores and grocery stores at 12th and Jackson.
To demonstrate how stupid Seattle drivers (and yes, pedestrians also) are, I present you with this little vignette.
Characters:
*Myself (as the gracious driver)
*Retarded Driver (and I mean that as no insult to the developmentally disabled. This person was retarded in their driving skills, which means he is a typical Seattle driver)
*Middle-Aged Goateed Doffus Pedestrian (as a Middle-Aged Goateed Doffus myself, I have earned the right to call him that)
The Setting: Corner of 12th Avenue South and South King Street
The Time: Morning Commute
Act One:
Gracious Driver is heading north on 12th, Minding his own business, and is in the intersection when the light turns yellow. Retarded Driver, in front of gracious driver, stops 1.5 car lengths behind the car in front of him, thus sticking gracious driver in the pedestrian crosswalk
Gracious Driver: "beep"
(pause) "beep beep"
Retarded driver remains in position as the light turns red, leaving Gracious Driver blocking the crosswalk.
Enter Middle-Aged Goateed Doffus Pedestrian who is standing on the corner, stage right. As Gracious Driver signals, and starts to slowly pull into right lane to get out of the pedestrian crosswalk, Doffus starts to walk, even though his only option is to go behind gracious driver, which puts him in the line of traffic from King Street. He sees that gracious driver is moving and freezes, right in gracious driver's path. Gracious driver, somewhat exasperated by Middle-Aged Goateed Doffus Pedestrian's obvious stupidity, gives him a "what do you want me to do?" look. Middle-Aged Goateed Doffus Pedestrian does a weird little kabuki dance, and returns to the crosswalk, giving Gracious driver a dirty look.
Gracious driver pulls into the right lane, which clears the pedestrian crosswalk for Middle-Aged Goateed Doffs Pedestrian to safely pass. Gracious Driver pulls alongside retarded driver and gives him a look that translates to "Do you even HAVE a license?" to which retarded driver gives Gracious Driver a uncomprehending look, but THEN pulls up to a decent distance between his car and the car in front of him, just in time for the light ahead of us to change, allowing all of us to go on our merry way.
Fin
~~~
As you can see, Gracious Driver (as played by me) was trying to do the right thing, but surrounded by what are doubtless Seattle Natives (as evidenced by their complete and utter unawareness of the world around them. Please note: This assessment of Seattleites does not apply to any Seattle-born readers of "The Good Taste Chronicles, as you have evidenced yourself to be of a superior intellect and discriminating taste, based on your choice of blogs)
It's enough to make one take the bus.
To demonstrate how stupid Seattle drivers (and yes, pedestrians also) are, I present you with this little vignette.
Characters:
*Myself (as the gracious driver)
*Retarded Driver (and I mean that as no insult to the developmentally disabled. This person was retarded in their driving skills, which means he is a typical Seattle driver)
*Middle-Aged Goateed Doffus Pedestrian (as a Middle-Aged Goateed Doffus myself, I have earned the right to call him that)
The Setting: Corner of 12th Avenue South and South King Street
The Time: Morning Commute
Act One:
Gracious Driver is heading north on 12th, Minding his own business, and is in the intersection when the light turns yellow. Retarded Driver, in front of gracious driver, stops 1.5 car lengths behind the car in front of him, thus sticking gracious driver in the pedestrian crosswalk
Gracious Driver: "beep"
(pause) "beep beep"
Retarded driver remains in position as the light turns red, leaving Gracious Driver blocking the crosswalk.
Enter Middle-Aged Goateed Doffus Pedestrian who is standing on the corner, stage right. As Gracious Driver signals, and starts to slowly pull into right lane to get out of the pedestrian crosswalk, Doffus starts to walk, even though his only option is to go behind gracious driver, which puts him in the line of traffic from King Street. He sees that gracious driver is moving and freezes, right in gracious driver's path. Gracious driver, somewhat exasperated by Middle-Aged Goateed Doffus Pedestrian's obvious stupidity, gives him a "what do you want me to do?" look. Middle-Aged Goateed Doffus Pedestrian does a weird little kabuki dance, and returns to the crosswalk, giving Gracious driver a dirty look.
Gracious driver pulls into the right lane, which clears the pedestrian crosswalk for Middle-Aged Goateed Doffs Pedestrian to safely pass. Gracious Driver pulls alongside retarded driver and gives him a look that translates to "Do you even HAVE a license?" to which retarded driver gives Gracious Driver a uncomprehending look, but THEN pulls up to a decent distance between his car and the car in front of him, just in time for the light ahead of us to change, allowing all of us to go on our merry way.
Fin
~~~
As you can see, Gracious Driver (as played by me) was trying to do the right thing, but surrounded by what are doubtless Seattle Natives (as evidenced by their complete and utter unawareness of the world around them. Please note: This assessment of Seattleites does not apply to any Seattle-born readers of "The Good Taste Chronicles, as you have evidenced yourself to be of a superior intellect and discriminating taste, based on your choice of blogs)
It's enough to make one take the bus.
posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay @ Friday, March 31, 2006
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