Seattle and Strippers

One of the quirky things about Seattle and Washington State is our weirdness when it comes to issues of morality. On the one hand, we're pretty accepting of "alternative lifestyles" (indeed, many of our most promininent ministers are rather skilled at bathroom cruising, as their police blotter attests) but it all comes to a screeching halt when it comes to the combination of boobies and booze.

Seattle, a city founded by grafters and supported by tax revenue from hookers for many, many years, is very priggish when it comes to strippers: There is a moratorium on strip clubs, and the existing strip clubs cannot serve alcohol. Also, the dancers must maintain a 4' distance from the patrons at all times. Evidentially, any alcohol service or closer proximity would drive a man to savage behaviour of the most outrageous kind.

Now the question you are undoubtedly asking is why I, an arbitrater of taste and a person not generally known for having an interest in seeing boobies, even cares? Two reasons: Naked ladies aren't the only ones who take off their clothes (and I am, after all, on schedule for becoming a dirty old man. Who says I never think about my retirement years?) and the latest proposal by the City Fathers to address this eternal issue is just dumb. They propose a "strip club zone" in the tidelands south of the stadiums, in what is otherwise an industrial area.

I've also noticed that this is something that gets some otherwise normal-sounding liberals all shrill, but in FAVOR of the ban. They had a call in show on the local NPR station a few months back (and everyone knows that only pointy-headed liberals listen to NPR) and this really strange woman called in. After stating her liberal creds (how many protests she's marched in, pronouncing Nicaragua the way Nicaraguans do, etc), She proceeded to scold the host for suggesting that this was all a non-issue. Before her voice reached the point where it could only heard by dogs, she suggested that the radio host (and by extension the entire station, and perhaps even NPR in its entirety) was anti-feminist, pro-porn, and all in favor of oppressing girls by allowing stip clubs in commerical areas. She ended the diatribe by stating that there was "no way" she could walk her daughter down Lake City Way (a Major Arterial/state highway that no on in their right mind would walk a child down anyway) because there was a strip club on it.

Now that's just silly: In boring, tacky old Council Bluffs, where your coorospondent did his time before escaping to Seattle, we had strip clubs. We had porn theatres. We had adult bookstores. Those aforementioned stip clubs served boooze, and nobody cared. We had all of this because Nebraska (just across the river) was concerned about pornography and wanted to maintain its image as a wholesome city (even though it's a dump) Iowa, on the other hand, wasn't nearly as uptight and figured if you are gonna see some boobies you might as well have a drink. And guess what: Girls grew up and became lawyers, pharmacists, doctors - all manners of professionals on the non-entertainment variety (although some of them undoubtedly became strippers also, and good for them). In fact, the girls from my class in high school are, by and large, more successful than the guys. Which just goes to show you that boobies and booze can't hold a good woman down.

So it's time for Seattle to grow up, get over our boobie shame and just let people strip for other people. Within reason, of course: Just make it so that any area zoned for bars can have a strip club, and let the strip club serve drinks. Believe it or not, not ever bar will become a strip club (Seattle doesn't even have that many strippers in it, and not everybody wants to see a stripper) and life will go on.