Things that make you go Hmmmm......

We had a bit of a local tragedy the other night. A Sheriff's Deputy was shot and killed by a suicidal loon.

I won't comment on the death of the Deputy, except to say that it's a darn shame. But I will comment on the funeral arrangements (which, by the way, fall SQUARELY into the field of taste and breeding. There are VERY strict rules you must obey to keep a solemn event from turning into a maudilin farce. More on that another time)

The Deputy, like so many other dead law enforment and firefighters in this area, is being buried from the Seattle-based Christian Faith Center.

The "Center" (here's a hint: real churches aren't called "centers") is a dreadful complex. Rather, it's a pair of dreadful complexes: One by the airport, and one in the most odious suburb of Seattle, a place with the very banal name of "Mill Creek". (Mill Creek didn't exist until the 60's. There is no mill, and any creek there was probably buried long ago, which would explain why most of the houses don't have basements.) It's one of those congregations that have arena-sized churches (on the theory that the bigger the crowd, the closer you are to salvation?) and is very self-conciously "hip". (Think "rock" bands, Christian "rap" and gigantic TV screens. The only thing they lack is a huge scoreboard with a Coke advertisement on it.) As far as audience participation goes, apparently all that is required of a person is to show up, stand around with your eyes closed and your arms in the air (but there are extra points for crying) and - of course - pay your tithe. Gotta keep the clergy in those Escalades and pastel suits.

It's headed up by the suspiciously minty-flavored Pastor Casey Treat. I have notoriously bad gaydar, so this means nothing, but when I see the good Pastor, my gaydar goes off the charts.

Although it should be said in both Pastor Treat's and the Christian Faith Center's defense, they are pretty tame when it comes to the anti-gay hype. Much better than Pastor Mark Driscoll at the "Mars Hill Church" or Reverend Ken Hutchinson at the Antioch Christian Church (which meets in a high school gym, but that's not important right now)

Perhaps it's this tolerance that allows them to somehow have the corner on dead public safety officials. Call me a cynic - because you know I am - but I somehow don't think that ALL of fallen men and women were members of the CFC (which is also the acronym for that stuff that was in hairspray and destroyed the environment), but yet they are almost always buried from the Sea-Tac "Campus". In my blackest thoughts, I suspect that - GASP - the departed were not religious at all! So when they need a big hall with a religious vibe that's near the airport (because cops and firemen like to come from all over the country to attend funerals of their co-workers) they ring up Pastor Casey.

You had better BELIEVE that if I were to die in some heroic, suitable-for-TV manner, There would be a Cathedral (i.e. a REAL church) involved. There would be a big choir in tasteful robes (Gregorian chants and the like are wonderful for funerals), ranks of acolytes, and the smell of incense everywhere. It would be high drama and wonderful theatre - as funerals are meant to be - and there wouldn't be a dry eye in the house. Or in the procession of pearl grey Lincoln Town Cars with matching hearse.

And there would be trained snipers in the steeples with instructions to shoot anyone who approaches the cathedral with a set of bagpipes. Bagpipes are never appropriate, under any circumstances, but especially at funerals. I don't know where so many cops and firemen got the idea that that was "the thing to do". Probably from someone like Pastor Casey Treat.