My Mom's Crazy Friends

Mother Vel-DuRay, as I have mentioned before, is undergoing chemo for lymphoma. More than anything, It's been a very boring experience for her: Because her immune system is diminished, she can't go out very much, so she is stuck at home. Being stuck at home means it's a lot of napping, TV, reading, and phone calls.

A good chunk of the these phone calls are from three of Mom's friends. That's to be expected, but there are three of them who, by their bizare worldviews and strident opinions, keep Mom's blood flowing and brain working: For sake of brevity, we'll call them Mrs B, Mrs K, and Mrs. H.

These women are all nuts. I don't mean that in some zany, madcap, Erma Bombeck way. I mean nuts: Crazy ladies. Wacked in the head ladies. Dreadful, conservative, simple-minded ladies.

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you would expect that they would be making me itchy. But for once, I wholeheartedly approve of these reactionary women. Mother Vel-DuRay is dodgedly liberal in the Irish Catholic, FDR tradition. These women - friends of several decades - drive her to distraction with their stupid opinions, get her all worked up, and help her forget her problems, thus keeping her from becoming a typical invalid.

Mrs. B is Italian. She looks like an evil witch. She prides herself on having no non-religious artwork in her house, and while she has at least four large flat screen TV's, they are always tuned to the EWTN channel (EWTN = Eternal Word Television Network - the Catholic cable channel) She also has a dreadful husband who sits on his ass and orders her around all the time, but that's not important right now.

Mrs. B has a son who is a priest (the poor kid never had a chance) and she is known for the homemade lasagna that she brings to every family in the parish that has recently experienced a death. The lasagna is really quite good, but to get it you have to put up with Mrs. B. You might think this would qualify her as some sort of compassionate conservative, and you would be wrong: Mrs B recently got Mom's blood flowing by telling her that the soldiers dying in Iraq deserve their fate - after all, they volunteered to be in the Army. And the civilians? Well, they're Muslims. Who cares.

Mrs. K used to be one of my favorite people: She was always happy, made great cherry cokes, and calls everyone "kid" - even Mom. Her late husband was a brakeman on the Union Pacific, and she is living on his union pension. She was also an FDR devotee, until she discovered Rush Limbaugh, which she takes entirely too seriously. She, like Mrs B, is a superstition based Catholic, rather than a teachings-of-Jesus based Catholic, and because of that has some moronic ideas: The most recent statement, which has kept Mom in fighting form, was that is was a pity that those poor Amish girls who were killed in Pennsylvania won't make it to heaven, because they weren't Catholic.

But the Most dreary, most reactionary, most buzz-killing and anger inspiring of them all is Mrs. H.

Mrs. H is, was, and always will be, a Republican - because that's what her late husband (a claims adjuster for Mutual of Omaha) was. Growing up, they were the only Catholic Republicans I knew (they are now, unfortunately, a dime a dozen), and that was looked on as an eccentricity, like collecting flatirons or having a metal detector. While they lived in what should have been by all rights a fabulous 50's house, and Mrs. H has not changed a detail since they moved in, their house is dreary. They have always had navy blue Buicks, Mr. H played - with no sense of camp or irony - the organ, and their biggest thrill was the Lawrence Welk show.

Since Mr H died (although I really don't know how they could tell - he was not the most exciting person in the world) she has gotten even more dreary and conservative. She adores George W. Bush, and - God bless her, as it was like a jolt of adreniline for Mom when she said it - recently declared that the Democratic Party should just be eliminated, as it stands for nothing but mandatory abortion and forced crossdressing (or something to that effect). When Mom reminded her that one-party rule would be just like Communism, she grudgingly admitted that Mom may be right - but she still doesn't like the Democrats.

I suppose I should add that Mom has many normal friends, and a large extended family who are NOT depressing and reactionary, and that are offering her all sorts of love and support. But let's face it: There's only so many angel greeting cards, perky sickroom conversations, and tasteful floral arrangements a person can stomach. Even the illest among us, if they wish to stay among us, needs something non-medical to get worked up about, and these women are providing a valuable service to Mother Vel-DuRay.

So, as your idol would say, ladies, "bring it on".