Thanksgiving, Part III: The Centerpiece

We've set the table, we've discussed the menu, but we're far from out of the woods. We still have to deal with the weighty question of the centerpiece.

Nothing can ruin a well-set table quicker than a poorly conceived centerpiece. As Mr. L used to say, “it’s all in the presentation”. Think of the centerpiece as sort of the bow on top of the present that is the well-appointed dinner table.

Many people make the tragic mistake of trying to be whimsical in their centerpieces. Like this atrocity:



Whimsy is for the dull-minded and unimaginative. Tasteful and sensitive soul that you are, you should not have to be subject to that sort of handiwork. Whimsy, unfortunately, plays big in the heartland, and other churchy places, and during my annual pilgrimages back it’s my sorry fate to view this phenomina close up. The rule of thumb is the more they publicly abhor abortion, they more they tend to condone it in decor.

I can remember back in my youth (ah, those glorious years of the first Eisenhower administration!) when people from the backwaters attempted to compensate for that fact. They at least tried to be sophisticated and tasteful. They read books and had early American furniture. They encased their televisions in colonial style cabinets. “Kountry Krafts” were something you only saw at Baptists craft fairs. Now it’s everywhere – spreading through the Midwest like a cancer or Wal-Mart. The sorry fact is that while everyone may have a creative urge, not everyone is creative.

Even worse than homegrown whimsy is mass-produced whimsy:


Centerpieces that are pre-purchased from "gift shoppes" or, even worse, the Internet should not be allowed in the house. If a guest makes the unspeakable gaffe of bringing you something like this, it should be placed on a side table somewhere, preferably in an unused room, and a mental note made to remove that guest from future invitations.

If nothing else, remember this: Dried flowers are for trailer trash and retired drag queens.

Another mistake is to try for the grandiose:




Like so many things in life that are oversized (McMansions, SUV’s, vulgar sofas) this is a sign of low self-esteem, and most likely undersized genitals. Remember, understatement is everything. More is less.

That’s why I prefer simple tea candles and a low flower arrangement. There is nothing worse than having to dodge a too-high floral arrangement while trying to have a conversation (which I have had to do on more than one occasion at some of the more tacky wedding receptions I was involved in during my hotel years)

Now that our table is set, our meal is cooking, and our centerpiece is placed, let’s have a small quiet word about manipulating your guests, but it will have to wait until tomorrow. I’m still feeling a bit weak in the knees for recalling some of those atrocious centerpieces from years past.