Christmas: What is acceptable and what is not
As we have now officially entered the holiday season, I thought it best that I speak to you, my loyal readers, about what it tasteful and what is not over the holiday season.
There’s just no getting around it, Christmas is a holiday that is fraught with garishness, and it’s easy to be seduced by the vulgarity. But standing strong will allow you to treat the lesser among us (who are, after all, the vast majority) with the condescension they so richly deserve during this season of excess.
Here is a list of things and places to avoid for a tasteful holiday:
Malls: Dubious at the best of times, they attract nothing but shrieking harpies, bratty children and extra-surly teens through the New Year. Add to that the idiot factor that is always drawn to crowds, and you have a recipe for disaster. Shopping is best done at the Better Stores, which always have downtown locations. If you live in a place that doesn’t have downtown stores, you should consider moving to someplace like Chicago.
Parades or Christmas Tree Lightings: It used to be that ceremonies such as this were quite pleasant. That was when they were simply called “The Christmas Parade” or “The Tree Lighting Ceremony”. Unfortunately, they have mostly been taken over by corporations, so now you have things like “Tampax Presents the Christmas Parade!” or “The Lighting of the Metamucil Christmas Tree!” At these corporate events, you invariably find either rap or country music, which is, of course, the antithesis of taste and breeding. You will also find the above-mentioned mall crowd.
Speaking of music, I was at a neighborhood store the other day when a song came on the PA system. It was called “An American Prayer for Christmas” (or was it “A Prayer for an American Christmas”?) it had both the screechiness found in bad contemporary R&B as well as the twanginess found in the worst country music. I fear there might also a dance that goes along with it. While I realize that a section of this country feels rather strongly that America has the corner on both prayer and Christmas, I didn’t realize that they felt the need to sing about it. Needless to say, it was a dreadful song, which means it’s sure to become a big hit. Anyplace where this song is played needs to be avoided.
Continuing on…..
Anything that promises a “Victorian Christmas Experience”: The Victorian era was a dreadful time for 95% of the world’s population, but that doesn’t keep the unenlightened from equating it with “old-fashioned” Christmases. (The irony is, of course, that most of these people’s forbearers undoubtedly spent the Victorian Era in a sweatshop eating dirt.) Any “Victorian Christmas event” is sure to have lots of women in stretch pants and jeweled sweatshirts jerking around antsy little girls in velvet dresses who have to go to the bathroom.
Airports: Airports are like malls in that they are always terrible places to be, but with the predominance of cheap airline tickets they are even worse at the holidays. The usual crowd of boorish business travelers gets replaced with the trashy folk who only fly at Christmas, and are oblivious to the advisories that you shouldn’t try to bring firearms, knives or wrapped presents through security. They also tend to hang out in the airport lounges, where they are NOT good drunks, and will spend their entire 18-hour layover harassing the staff about how expensive the drinks are. Therefore, try not to fly until after the New Years. If you HAVE to fly, try to fly through an airport that doesn’t handle Southwest. (Personally, I just take Amtrak. Sure, it takes three weeks to get home, but who’s in a hurry to go to Iowa?)
Human recreations of the Nativity: Once again, this is something that at one time held sort of a folksy charm – anyone who ever read “A Prayer for Owen Meany” knows what I’m talking about – but like everything these days, the literalists and those with arrested development have ruined it for everyone else. Instead of unwilling children posed in a brief tableau, after which everyone has coffee, you are now likely to encounter extended ordeals featuring drum sets, screechy singers, and over-the-top special effects, with all of the roles played by adults who should know better.
Speaking of religion: While we here at danlangdon.com certainly have no problem with those of you who wish to attend church on Christmas, we remind you that the “mainstream” religions are the much more tasteful choice. Churches in suburbs that seat more than 1000 and have things like bowling alleys and gyms are to be avoided at all costs.
So just where should you be going over during the holidays, you might ask? Basically, only expensive places that frown on children. Otherwise, you should stay home.
At home, here are the things to be avoided:
Teddy Bear Themed Christmas Décor: Teddy bears are rightly only for the toddler set. They are never a wise choice for décor, but especially not at the holidays.
Fiber-optic Christmas Trees: Christmas trees are not action movies. If you want a tree that changes color, invest in a tasteful aluminum Christmas tree and color wheel, or buy some LSD.
Dancing Santa Dolls: Nothing says Wal-Mart like one of these annoying dancing Santa Dolls. Santa is a fan man. Fat men as a rule do not gyrate wildly. When they do, they end up like Chris Farley, and we don’t want to disappoint the kiddies. Besides, it’s an affront to his dignity.
The “American Idol” Christmas Special: Like Rush Limbaugh, “American Idol” is a terrible program that gives the lower classes something to get riled up about.. At least Limbaugh spares us a Christmas special. “American Idol” should show the same consideration. Besides, if you are going to hear “An American Prayer for Christmas” (or whatever that horrible song is called, you are going to hear it on that special.
Christmas China: My mother, usually a paragon of taste and breeding, has Christmas china. It’s by Spode mind you, but it’s still Christmas china. Besides, before she upgraded, she had Christmas china from SEARS. There is no valid reason Christmas china. The reason why you invest in good china in the first place is so that you have it for ALL your formal occasions, and Christmas dinner is certainly one of those in all well-appointed homes. Don’t you dare buy any Christmas china.
Christmas Music that should never be played in tasteful homes:
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” (unless it’s the cha-cha instrumental version on the “Christmas Cocktails” CD.)
“All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth “ (unless it’s the Nat King Cole Version)
That David Bowie/Bing Crosby duet they did back in the 70’s
“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” in all it’s incarnations.
Anything Christmas music performed by Elvis
And, of course, that awful “American Prayer for Christmas”.
The following items should not be considered suitable for presents:
Nose Clippers
Novelty Pillows.
Firearms
Beer
Pork Rinds
Cigarettes
Porn
There’s just no getting around it, Christmas is a holiday that is fraught with garishness, and it’s easy to be seduced by the vulgarity. But standing strong will allow you to treat the lesser among us (who are, after all, the vast majority) with the condescension they so richly deserve during this season of excess.
Here is a list of things and places to avoid for a tasteful holiday:
Malls: Dubious at the best of times, they attract nothing but shrieking harpies, bratty children and extra-surly teens through the New Year. Add to that the idiot factor that is always drawn to crowds, and you have a recipe for disaster. Shopping is best done at the Better Stores, which always have downtown locations. If you live in a place that doesn’t have downtown stores, you should consider moving to someplace like Chicago.
Parades or Christmas Tree Lightings: It used to be that ceremonies such as this were quite pleasant. That was when they were simply called “The Christmas Parade” or “The Tree Lighting Ceremony”. Unfortunately, they have mostly been taken over by corporations, so now you have things like “Tampax Presents the Christmas Parade!” or “The Lighting of the Metamucil Christmas Tree!” At these corporate events, you invariably find either rap or country music, which is, of course, the antithesis of taste and breeding. You will also find the above-mentioned mall crowd.
Speaking of music, I was at a neighborhood store the other day when a song came on the PA system. It was called “An American Prayer for Christmas” (or was it “A Prayer for an American Christmas”?) it had both the screechiness found in bad contemporary R&B as well as the twanginess found in the worst country music. I fear there might also a dance that goes along with it. While I realize that a section of this country feels rather strongly that America has the corner on both prayer and Christmas, I didn’t realize that they felt the need to sing about it. Needless to say, it was a dreadful song, which means it’s sure to become a big hit. Anyplace where this song is played needs to be avoided.
Continuing on…..
Anything that promises a “Victorian Christmas Experience”: The Victorian era was a dreadful time for 95% of the world’s population, but that doesn’t keep the unenlightened from equating it with “old-fashioned” Christmases. (The irony is, of course, that most of these people’s forbearers undoubtedly spent the Victorian Era in a sweatshop eating dirt.) Any “Victorian Christmas event” is sure to have lots of women in stretch pants and jeweled sweatshirts jerking around antsy little girls in velvet dresses who have to go to the bathroom.
Airports: Airports are like malls in that they are always terrible places to be, but with the predominance of cheap airline tickets they are even worse at the holidays. The usual crowd of boorish business travelers gets replaced with the trashy folk who only fly at Christmas, and are oblivious to the advisories that you shouldn’t try to bring firearms, knives or wrapped presents through security. They also tend to hang out in the airport lounges, where they are NOT good drunks, and will spend their entire 18-hour layover harassing the staff about how expensive the drinks are. Therefore, try not to fly until after the New Years. If you HAVE to fly, try to fly through an airport that doesn’t handle Southwest. (Personally, I just take Amtrak. Sure, it takes three weeks to get home, but who’s in a hurry to go to Iowa?)
Human recreations of the Nativity: Once again, this is something that at one time held sort of a folksy charm – anyone who ever read “A Prayer for Owen Meany” knows what I’m talking about – but like everything these days, the literalists and those with arrested development have ruined it for everyone else. Instead of unwilling children posed in a brief tableau, after which everyone has coffee, you are now likely to encounter extended ordeals featuring drum sets, screechy singers, and over-the-top special effects, with all of the roles played by adults who should know better.
Speaking of religion: While we here at danlangdon.com certainly have no problem with those of you who wish to attend church on Christmas, we remind you that the “mainstream” religions are the much more tasteful choice. Churches in suburbs that seat more than 1000 and have things like bowling alleys and gyms are to be avoided at all costs.
So just where should you be going over during the holidays, you might ask? Basically, only expensive places that frown on children. Otherwise, you should stay home.
At home, here are the things to be avoided:
Teddy Bear Themed Christmas Décor: Teddy bears are rightly only for the toddler set. They are never a wise choice for décor, but especially not at the holidays.
Fiber-optic Christmas Trees: Christmas trees are not action movies. If you want a tree that changes color, invest in a tasteful aluminum Christmas tree and color wheel, or buy some LSD.
Dancing Santa Dolls: Nothing says Wal-Mart like one of these annoying dancing Santa Dolls. Santa is a fan man. Fat men as a rule do not gyrate wildly. When they do, they end up like Chris Farley, and we don’t want to disappoint the kiddies. Besides, it’s an affront to his dignity.
The “American Idol” Christmas Special: Like Rush Limbaugh, “American Idol” is a terrible program that gives the lower classes something to get riled up about.. At least Limbaugh spares us a Christmas special. “American Idol” should show the same consideration. Besides, if you are going to hear “An American Prayer for Christmas” (or whatever that horrible song is called, you are going to hear it on that special.
Christmas China: My mother, usually a paragon of taste and breeding, has Christmas china. It’s by Spode mind you, but it’s still Christmas china. Besides, before she upgraded, she had Christmas china from SEARS. There is no valid reason Christmas china. The reason why you invest in good china in the first place is so that you have it for ALL your formal occasions, and Christmas dinner is certainly one of those in all well-appointed homes. Don’t you dare buy any Christmas china.
Christmas Music that should never be played in tasteful homes:
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” (unless it’s the cha-cha instrumental version on the “Christmas Cocktails” CD.)
“All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth “ (unless it’s the Nat King Cole Version)
That David Bowie/Bing Crosby duet they did back in the 70’s
“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” in all it’s incarnations.
Anything Christmas music performed by Elvis
And, of course, that awful “American Prayer for Christmas”.
The following items should not be considered suitable for presents:
Nose Clippers
Novelty Pillows.
Firearms
Beer
Pork Rinds
Cigarettes
Porn
posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay @ Monday, November 29, 2004
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