An epic struggle for the soul of a neighborhood.

While it may seem that good taste is part of the natural order of things, sometimes nature can turn on us in the most unusual ways.

As part of our traditional holiday festivities, we decorate the outside of the house rather elaborately. This is part of our ongoing outreach program to raise the level of taste and intellect in the neighborhood, by setting a good example of how tasteful neighbors behave. To show them that there’s more to having a house than parking a car in the front yard and making a planter out of the old toilet. Though they never say it, I know that the neighbors, to the extent of their abilities, appreciate the brightness and conviviality that it brings to their doubtlessly drab lives.

But this year we have met the enemy, and it is a squirrel.

Three times, THREE TIMES since we have put up the Christmas lights, they have been chewed through. At first, of course, we assumed it was sabotage from some of the lowbrow element in the neighborhood, but then, through careful surveillance, we discovered the truth. It was sabotage all right, but of the four-legged variety.

Some have suggested leaving the Christmas lights on 24/7, but that’s just tacky. Also, if the squirrel in question were to try to chew through the lights then, it would be electrocuted, and probably start the house on fire – and what a traumatic event that would be for the neighbors! To see a home of charm and distinction go up in a ball of flame would doubtless condemn them to continue their lives of chain link and satellite dishes, interrupted only by their endlessly barking dogs.

So we must soldier on, armed with electric tape and mace – patching and spraying, spraying and patching until New Year’s Day arrives, and we can remove our decorations until the next year, by which time we can only hope that this particular squirrel has been called home to Jesus. If not, we can always give ourselves an early Christmas gift. I’m thinking a Taser.